I heard a quote on television tonight that struck a chord with me. It was quoted as "the most painful state of being is remembering the future" attributed to Soren Kierkegaard. Poignant, right? After looking into it more it appears that the full quote is
Ya know, it's humorous, my sophomore year in high school my entire English class was given the task of writing a paper on an assigned Philosopher. Mine? Soren Kierkegaard. I don't remember much about the writings of Mr. Kierkegaard or my writing on his work but I do remember that he was an existentialist. In short, this meant that he believed that there was no order to this irrational world and that we, alone, were responsible for creating order and meaning to life through our own actions and this filled us with a sense of dread. Now that I think about it... that pretty much sums up my sophomore year.
Back to the quote above. Isn't it so very true? Isn't it merely describing hope? Isn't hope what buoys and sustains us? The religious among us may call it faith but I believe that they are describing the same concept. When we first moved to the small town where we live we inhabited an approximately 900 square foot house. And when I say we I mean my husband, myself, and our three children. To say we were cramped would be an understatement. But I had made plans to expand the house both on paper and quite vibrantly in my imagination. I could see the family room with all of its space for gathering, the kids bedrooms upstairs, and the new expanded kitchen that more than one person could fit in at a time. And that vision sustained me when I just couldn't take the tiny space any longer.
Ya know, it's humorous, my sophomore year in high school my entire English class was given the task of writing a paper on an assigned Philosopher. Mine? Soren Kierkegaard. I don't remember much about the writings of Mr. Kierkegaard or my writing on his work but I do remember that he was an existentialist. In short, this meant that he believed that there was no order to this irrational world and that we, alone, were responsible for creating order and meaning to life through our own actions and this filled us with a sense of dread. Now that I think about it... that pretty much sums up my sophomore year.
Back to the quote above. Isn't it so very true? Isn't it merely describing hope? Isn't hope what buoys and sustains us? The religious among us may call it faith but I believe that they are describing the same concept. When we first moved to the small town where we live we inhabited an approximately 900 square foot house. And when I say we I mean my husband, myself, and our three children. To say we were cramped would be an understatement. But I had made plans to expand the house both on paper and quite vibrantly in my imagination. I could see the family room with all of its space for gathering, the kids bedrooms upstairs, and the new expanded kitchen that more than one person could fit in at a time. And that vision sustained me when I just couldn't take the tiny space any longer.
Had we remained in that home and never made the changes that I had so vividly imagined, we would have embodied Kierkegaard's quote. Luckily, we were able to move into a larger home and no longer needed the fantasy of what our future held.
And as always this brings me to Damon. I feel that this quote perfectly describes grief after a loss. I will miss my brother forever. I will miss his sense of humor, his intelligence, his presence in my life. But what really made me angry with the loss of him was the promise that all of those things held for the future. He had already traveled the world twice, and had recently started his own company in order to live life on his terms. And most importantly he had recently become a father. I never got to see him fulfill that role. I only saw him and his son together in pictures or video. We never had Christmas with the kids playing together at our feet. My kids didn't get to gripe to their Uncle Damon when Mom was being mean. He never even got the chance to introduce me to his son. The future that I had envisioned would never happen.
I felt that same type of loss a few years ago. Things were revealed to me that not only changed my memory of the past but forever shifted the course of my future. And that is such a hard pill to swallow. We are told that we must live in the present but when it becomes unbearable we imagine a future where wrongs are righted, good wins over evil, and happiness once again reigns. A self-preserving mechanism that prevents us from debilitating depression. And let's be honest there are a LOT of reasons to be depressed in the current society in which we live. But each new day is an opportunity to change the tide, to adjust course, and make strides towards the future that we envision.
Go forth and make today a good one. Smile at a stranger, give a little grace, not only to others but also to yourself, and remember that kindness is always the answer.
