I just watched Brené Brown's special on Netflix, "the Call to Courage". I have loved Brené Brown since her first Ted Talk on vulnerability. Watching her special made me feel like I was at a Southern church revival, finding myself shouting "Amen" over and over again. I don't know what draws me in more her sense of humor, her fact based research, or her southern drawl that makes her feel like home.
My own journey with vulnerability began about three years ago. I've taken some licks in this lifetime but previously they only served to build up walls. With each painful experience those walls got higher, stronger, and closer to me. Emotional abuse, brick...wreck, brick...Damon missing, brick, grandmother's death, brick, brick, brick. Three years ago those walls came tumbling down and since that time it feels like I have been turned inside out. Have you ever watched a spider molt? It literally has to shed its hard exoskeleton in order to grow. And that is what this feels like. Like I have shed every sense of pretense, every mirror, or mask.
This is me, this is all of me.
And "this" me is usually on the brink of tears. Tears of gratitude because I am so incredibly blessed to love and be loved. Tears of anger over injustices seen around the world. Tears of happiness over a sunny day with a warm breeze. Tears of sadness because we have ALL lost so much.
Usually I hold these tears in, but not today. Today I let them flow. And I am grateful for every one. The duality of nature exists all around us. We mourn the loss of loved ones with an intensity only matched by the love we shared. We appreciate and revel in the happy moments because we have felt sadness and pain. We often experience anger in relation to the passion we have for a purpose. The highs mean nothing without the lows for comparison. This is one of the reasons that I do not medicate my depression. If taking away the valleys means taking away the peaks, then I'm not interested. I want to experience the full range of human emotion.
FULL DISCLOSURE:( because what is the point of a post on being vulnerable without actually being vulnerable?) I have tried two different anti-depressants and both made me feel like I was on drugs...jaw clenching, skin crawling, and the aforementioned flatline of emotion. So for me they were not a good fit but I fully support anyone who makes that decision for themselves.
I am a work in progress and that's ok. Lately, I feel that I am making great strides in my development. At the end of the day I can lay my head down and be at peace with who I am. My rough edges have softened, my temper has been tampered, and my capacity for forgiveness expanded. I can't wait to see what future me looks like.
My own journey with vulnerability began about three years ago. I've taken some licks in this lifetime but previously they only served to build up walls. With each painful experience those walls got higher, stronger, and closer to me. Emotional abuse, brick...wreck, brick...Damon missing, brick, grandmother's death, brick, brick, brick. Three years ago those walls came tumbling down and since that time it feels like I have been turned inside out. Have you ever watched a spider molt? It literally has to shed its hard exoskeleton in order to grow. And that is what this feels like. Like I have shed every sense of pretense, every mirror, or mask.
This is me, this is all of me.
And "this" me is usually on the brink of tears. Tears of gratitude because I am so incredibly blessed to love and be loved. Tears of anger over injustices seen around the world. Tears of happiness over a sunny day with a warm breeze. Tears of sadness because we have ALL lost so much.
Usually I hold these tears in, but not today. Today I let them flow. And I am grateful for every one. The duality of nature exists all around us. We mourn the loss of loved ones with an intensity only matched by the love we shared. We appreciate and revel in the happy moments because we have felt sadness and pain. We often experience anger in relation to the passion we have for a purpose. The highs mean nothing without the lows for comparison. This is one of the reasons that I do not medicate my depression. If taking away the valleys means taking away the peaks, then I'm not interested. I want to experience the full range of human emotion.
FULL DISCLOSURE:( because what is the point of a post on being vulnerable without actually being vulnerable?) I have tried two different anti-depressants and both made me feel like I was on drugs...jaw clenching, skin crawling, and the aforementioned flatline of emotion. So for me they were not a good fit but I fully support anyone who makes that decision for themselves.
I am a work in progress and that's ok. Lately, I feel that I am making great strides in my development. At the end of the day I can lay my head down and be at peace with who I am. My rough edges have softened, my temper has been tampered, and my capacity for forgiveness expanded. I can't wait to see what future me looks like.
