The Promise of Tomorrow

I heard a quote on television tonight that struck a chord with me. It was quoted as "the most painful state of being is remembering the future" attributed to Soren Kierkegaard.  Poignant, right? After looking into it more it appears that the full quote is

Ya know, it's humorous, my sophomore year in high school my entire English class was given the task of writing a paper on an assigned Philosopher.  Mine? Soren Kierkegaard.  I don't remember much about the writings of Mr. Kierkegaard or my writing on his work but I do remember that he was an existentialist.  In short,  this meant that he believed that there was no order to this irrational world and that we, alone, were responsible for creating order and meaning to life through our own actions and this filled us with a sense of dread.  Now that I think about it... that pretty much sums up my sophomore year.

Back to the quote above.  Isn't it so very true?  Isn't it merely describing hope? Isn't hope what buoys and sustains us?  The religious among us may call it faith but I believe that they are describing the same concept.   When we first moved to the small town where we live we inhabited an approximately 900 square foot house.  And when I say we I mean my husband, myself, and our three children.  To say we were cramped would be an understatement.  But I had made plans to expand the house both on paper and quite vibrantly in my imagination.  I could see the family room with all of its space for gathering, the kids bedrooms upstairs, and the new expanded kitchen that more than one person could fit in at a time.  And that vision sustained me when I just couldn't take the tiny space any longer.

Had we remained in that home and never made the changes that I had so vividly imagined, we would have embodied Kierkegaard's quote.  Luckily, we were able to move into a larger home and no longer needed the fantasy of what our future held.

And as always this brings me to Damon.  I feel that this quote perfectly describes grief after a loss.  I will miss my brother forever.  I will miss his sense of humor, his intelligence, his presence in my life. But what really made me angry with the loss of him was the promise that all of those things held for the future.  He had already traveled the world twice, and had recently started his own company in order to live life on his terms.  And most importantly he had recently become a father.  I never got to see him fulfill that role.  I only saw him and his son together in pictures or video.  We never had Christmas with the kids playing together at our feet.  My kids didn't get to gripe to their Uncle Damon when Mom was being mean.  He never even got the chance to introduce me to his son.  The future that I had envisioned would never happen.

I felt that same type of loss a few years ago.  Things were revealed to me that not only changed my memory of the past but forever shifted the course of my future.  And that is such a hard pill to swallow.  We are told that we must live in the present but when it becomes unbearable we imagine a future where wrongs are righted, good wins over evil, and happiness once again reigns.  A self-preserving mechanism that prevents us from debilitating depression. And let's be honest there are a LOT of reasons to be depressed in the current society in which we live.  But each new day is an opportunity to change the tide, to adjust course, and make strides towards the future that we envision.

Go forth and make today a good one.  Smile at a stranger, give a little grace, not only to others but also to yourself, and remember that kindness is always the answer.

Karma

I’m a firm believer in karma.  When Avery was about three and going through a sassy phase she would mouth off to us and then turn around to storm out of the room and immediately smack her head on the doorknob.  What I used to call “instant karma”.  No need to wait around for repercussions, the universe was happy to deliver right away.

My latest experience with karma also involves Avery.  See she has had problems with a particular person over the last few months and on Monday I got to see a little bit of karma in action.  I can’t really go into the details but it brought a huge smile to my face for about seven hours.  At seven and a half hours I was hit with severe gallbladder pain.  Such was my karma for reveling in someone else’s misery.

  So folks, your lesson for today is...karma works.  It may not be instantaneous and it may not be on the timeline that you would prefer but eventually it all works out.  Just keep putting out good to the world so you stay on karmas good side or else be ready for the repercussions.

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite sayings...

It will all be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
                                     
                                           Wishing you peace until next time.

Naked on Mainstreet

I just watched Brené Brown's special on Netflix, "the Call to Courage".  I have loved Brené Brown since her first Ted Talk on vulnerability. Watching her special made me feel like I was at a Southern church revival, finding myself shouting "Amen" over and over again.  I don't know what draws me in more her sense of humor, her fact based research, or her southern drawl that makes her feel like home.

My own journey with vulnerability began about three years ago.  I've taken some licks in this lifetime but previously they only served to build up walls.  With each painful experience those walls got higher, stronger, and closer to me.  Emotional abuse, brick...wreck, brick...Damon missing, brick, grandmother's death, brick, brick, brick.  Three years ago those walls came tumbling down and since that time it feels like I have been turned inside out.  Have you ever watched a spider molt?  It literally has to shed its hard exoskeleton in order to grow.  And that is what this feels like.  Like I have shed every sense of pretense, every mirror, or mask.

 This is me, this is all of me.

And "this" me is usually on the brink of tears. Tears of gratitude because I am so incredibly blessed to love and be loved.  Tears of anger over injustices seen around the world.  Tears of happiness over a sunny day with a warm breeze.  Tears of sadness because we have ALL lost so much.

Usually I hold these tears in, but not today.  Today I let them flow.  And I am grateful for every one.  The duality of nature exists all around us.  We mourn the loss of loved ones with an intensity only matched by the love we shared.  We appreciate and revel in the happy moments because we have felt sadness and pain.  We often experience anger in relation to the passion we have for a purpose.  The highs mean nothing without the lows for comparison.  This is one of the reasons that I do not medicate my depression.  If taking away the valleys means taking away the peaks, then I'm not interested.  I want to experience the full range of human emotion.

 FULL DISCLOSURE:( because what is the point of a post on being vulnerable without actually being vulnerable?) I have tried two different anti-depressants and both made me feel like I was on drugs...jaw clenching, skin crawling, and the aforementioned flatline of emotion.  So for me they were not a good fit but I fully support anyone who makes that decision for themselves.

I am a work in progress and that's ok.  Lately, I feel that  I am making great strides in my development.  At the end of the day I can lay my head down and be at peace with who I am.  My rough edges have softened, my temper has been tampered, and my capacity for forgiveness expanded.  I can't wait to see what future me looks like.

If I can't see it, it's not happening.

I had my first day of regional trainings for the year today which I absolutely love attending.  I choose to attend regionals in Katy each year as it is closest to home and I usually get to see friends that I've met along this journey.  I'm sure the staff gets sick of all of my questions but I love to learn and being well versed makes me more confidant in my job.  Maybe law school will be a possibility some day, I'm not ruling it out entirely just yet.

But this post wasn't supposed to be about my passion, this post is about what happened this evening.  After classes Joe and I headed to dinner and whenever we travel for my work we try to hit a particular pizza place that is located in nearly every city to which I travel. Tonight we got there just before the evening rush.  We ordered and then proceeded to have a seat and indulge in one of my favorite past times...people watching.  There was a mother and son directly behind us in line, followed by an older couple, a couple of college girls and then several families.  This is where our story takes a turn.  One particular family had what I assume was a husband and wife and then an additional adult female and they had three small children.  While their parents wound through the line, these kids ran amuck throughout the place.  They played tag, they hung off of the fixtures, at one point one of them nearly knocked over a little old lady who must have been close to eighty years old. With three adults and three children they should have been playing a man to man defense but they were clearly taking a zone approach or playing an intense game of "NOT IT!".  There was an additional group made up of three women and five kids.  At one point one their little darlings was LITERALLY climbing the wall.  This establishment has a wall much like the one seen below except that the gaps between the boards are larger, making it possible for unsupervised children to use them as steps.  Which one of them did, climbing nearly to the ceiling before coming down again.

I get it parents you're tired, you're overwhelmed, you've had a long, tough day.  And the kids need to unwind and burn off some steam after a full day at school where they were made to sit in a chair all day and be quiet.  I get it, I promise I do.  But here's the deal... take them to an establishment where this type of behavior is encouraged.  If you need suggestions, here are a few... McDonald's, Chuck E Cheese, one of those trampoline parks, heck try Chick Fil A, the kids can unwind and the staff will probably say a prayer for you.  What I am saying is PLEASE for the love of Pete don't ruin one of my favorite places, have some consideration for your fellow man, and teach your children some manners.


To explain the title of this entry...as a kid I used to play hide and seek with my neighbors.  And one of them had a younger brother that would stand in the middle of the yard and cover his eyes when it was his turn to hide because he thought that if he couldn't see us, that we couldn't see him.  This seemed to be the parenting style that I witnessed tonight.  I have been guilty of this type of parenting in the past, hopefully we can all do better going forward.

Indecision

I asked the Hubby for a topic to write about on the blog and after much back and forth, we settled on "Indecision".  It seemed fitting since we couldn't decide on a topic.

The past few years I have taken on the role of "Chief Decision Maker".  Did you know that there are about 4,000 decisions to be made Every. Single. Day?!  Ask me how I know.  I used to agonize about every decision...is it the right one? the wrong one? should I research more?  When Damon went missing I learned not to sweat the small stuff.  And recently when my world was turned upside down again I learned that most stuff is small stuff.  When I was a kid and my Dad would make a  decision about a course of action he used to say "right, wrong, or indifferent".  Meaning whatever the outcome, he had made a decision and that was the course that we would follow.  Which brings me to the following meme.

And this was so me for a long time, paralyzed by indecision, stuck in the "what if's".  Miraculously, my ability to make a decision came from a place of absolute despair.  It didn't matter what we ate for dinner, because I didn't feel like eating anyway.  it didn't matter where we went or what we did, because I just wanted to climb back into bed.  But eventually with time and a whole lot of therapy, I got better and the decisions remained easier.  Because at the end of the day, if the decision that I am making right now is not going to affect my life in five years time than it is not life altering, and it doesn't really matter what route I choose to take.

I encourage you to make whatever decision you've been avoiding. You'll be surprised by the weight that is lifted.  Go forth and conquer!  Or go forth and queso if the decision that needs to be made is what to eat.

Savor the Little Things

My absolute favorite part of the day, every single day, is sitting in bed with my husband at night.  He on his phone or reading a book and I on my phone or watching Netflix.  And here comes my favorite part...he will reach over and place a hand on my back or my arm and gently stroke it.  Nope that doesn't sound right, I even used a thesaurus to try and find the right word.  Not rub, not massage, not stroke.  Well anyway, he will reach over and place a hand on my back.  And even though we are each doing our own thing, in our own little world, it's like we're connected.  The rest of the world just drops away.  Everything bad that happened that day is forgotten and everything good that happened is multiplied.  And I feel so loved in that moment, it always brings a smile to my face.

But then fast forward approximately 8 hours...when I roll over to get up in the morning and he reaches over to do the same thing.  And I could rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.  It is amazing to me what a lack of sleep will do to a person.  I've never been a great sleeper.  When I was younger I didn't need a lot of sleep but now I have a hard time falling asleep and once I do fall asleep I can't stay asleep.  Oh, and did I mention that I'm not a morning person?  The only time I am a morning person is when I'm on vacation.  Every other morning just leave me be.  When I used to waitress I had a rule for the other waiters not to talk to me until noon.  If they tried, I would just point to my wrist where a figurative watch resided.

All of this to say that I adore my husband but God help him in the morning.

Decisions, decisions...

So I thought that I should write something every day to keep the practice up, but then I thought that I shouldn't write unless I have something actually meaningful to say.  Not profoundly earth shattering meaningful but that I should write with a purpose.  But today nothing is coming to me, no funny stories, no life changing diatribes, no commentary on the human existence.  So how about this?  I'll try to make a list of topics to discuss and you all are free to suggest topics as well.  Want to know my thoughts on global warming?  Want to hear about my favorite trip?  Want to know the name of my first pet?  Drop me a note and I will try to hit them all.  Otherwise I'll probably only update the blog when the mood strikes me, which if history has taught us anything could be awhile.

P.S.  Be warned though, much to my Dad's amusement I am becoming more like him everyday.  Which means don't ask my opinion on something unless you really want to hear it.  My filter is often broken and my give a damn is busted.